Monday, 19 March 2012

lost

I've been limping along here with intermittent posts but I have to admit I've completely lost my blogging mojo.

It started quite some while ago, when someone close to me let slip that they had stopped reading my blog after feeling I had criticised them on it. At the time I was dumbstruck. The slight had been unintentional and I had remained oblivious to their reaction for months. I felt awful, and upset with myself, and upset with them for simply being offended without checking in with me.

I spent a lot of time thinking about it.

About the rights and wrongs of it, both mine and theirs.

About why I blog and what it means.

About how I use the blog to record events but also process how I feel about things.

About being honest and the consequences of honesty.

About the blogosphere and manners.

About real life and manners.

And while I think I did nothing wrong, that I behaved reasonably, that I use the blog in an entirely defensible way, I just can't muster enthusiasm to share what's in my head in the wake of these revelations.

I can post about the stuff I make because that's safe and inoffensive - except even then a comment can bring to mind the same thoughts. Thoughts about how people feel in relation to what I post. I'm just not comfortable with it. And more reflective posts - like this one here - feel like a high wire act.

I considered shutting the blog completely when it happened, but that felt really wrong too. Like an over reaction or a misplaced and rash response I would later regret. But it now feels a bit like the blog is dying of its own accord. The impulse to blog is mostly gone, and when it comes it is generally accompanied by a string of doubts and negative thoughts.

I'm really sad about that. About losing the joy the blog has always given me.

I've been blogging for seven years now and I just love having the in depth record of the minutiae of everyday life at my disposal. Sometimes when I am searching for something from the past a search string will bring up posts I have entirely forgotten and I can get lost rediscovering the days and months as I captured them.

So I'm not saying it's over. Maybe that desire to speak will return. I hope so. But for now I'm going to stop topping every to do list with write a blog post and face up to the reality of the shift that's taken place for me.

Perhaps it's time too to open other doors and think differently about writing, maybe return to how I felt about writing before the internet or perhaps just have some time to read or think, unencumbered by words.

It all feels very uncertain.

I'm not sure where I am at or where I am going and while that's not a comfortable feeling and there's sadness and fear in there, I am reminding myself that change is, in general, a friend. I have to look past all the bits that feel new and unfamiliar and remind myself that change is a process not a destination and I've been through it many times before.

Whatever comes next by its very definition can't be seen from here, but its bound to be good. Maybe it'll all be so exciting I'll feel the need to blog about it.

38 comments:

Frogdancer said...

I'm not blogging as often too, but it's because I'm suddenly so much busier.

Maybe there's a bit of that happening for you too?

Jules said...

One of the many things I value and admire in you is your way of owning who you are and what you feel. I've always worried too much about how being myself might impact on other people... I hope you don't lose that bravery- it is so much a part of who you are!

Anonymous said...

So...would it have been any different if she had overheard you saying something to someone else and taken offence but not mentioned it to you and just started avoiding you instead? Just by being in the world we are going to upset someone somewhere and if they are not prepared to raise it with us there is not much we can do. I am sorry it has taken the joy away for you. Sue

Anonymous said...

I was thinking of you just a few hours ago and regretting that you were not blogging so regularly.
Do what you need to do to look after yourself in your busy life but be assured that not all of us want to read people who are clones of us.
This is a bit delfish but how will I know when you start writing again? Maybe you could keep a list of your fans.
Until then, take care :)

Maureen from Dunedin.

Anonymous said...

What a shame - I enjoy your blog and your makings! hope you are back sometime soon. Caroline

SillyDuffa said...

Your reflections on life will be missed. Hope you come back soon. X Jo

Anonymous said...

I've been missing your posts. Missing the inspirations you provide with your creations, missing your honesty and your reflections. In the past paced world we tend to live we often don't make enough time for reflections. They can be hard, they take time and they often consume lots of energy. Reading your reflections has helped me to take some time to look at and process my life. Thank-you. Anna

MildlyCrafty said...

I've always really enjoyed reading your blog and especially the posts where you're more reflective. The fact that it bothers you that you've upset someone shows that you really are a good person. We all hurt people unintentionally sometimes, don't be too hard on yourself!

I'll look forward to reading your blog when you do find your mojo again.

Tania said...

Well, I'm not ready to give up on your blog yet! I shall just keep cruising my blog roll waiting for you to pop to the top, just like I always do.

It continues to astound me, how long it's taking me to grow up. I'm forever gobsmacked by how much I continue to learn from relationships, change, social dynamics. You'd reckon I'd feel like a convincing adult by now, non?

Jody Pearl said...

Blogging can a tricky high wire juggling & balancing act which requires all balls in the air at once & it's understandable that occasionally a miscalculation occurs and a ball is dropped, its also understandable when as the main event you need to take a break - enjoy your rest & hope you find that ball.

Melissa Williams said...

I posted something very similar recently, although I've backed off from blogging for different reasons. Struggling with mental illness is tough enough without exposing myself to the prejudices of Anonymous commenters so I've just stayed silent. I hope you'll continue to hang out on the internets, if not blogging then Tweeting etc. It seems I've accidentally fallen into microblogging over the years as it allows me to stay in touch but not over expose myself (my thoughts & feelings etc. )

Anonymous said...

Hi,
I'd encourage you to keep going. I think that you're right - that there's a "high wire" sometimes that comes with blogging. But for those of us who stop by regularly we learn things from you - about creativity, about balance.
Maybe we all need to learn to be honest with each other - when someone says something or does something and we're not sure about what it means then maybe we owe it to each other to be honest.
Hope you get the blogging mojo back.
Anne

Nikki said...

What Jules and what Tania and Amy and pretty-much everyone else says...

I love your honesty and your ability to reflect and find some sort of clear analysis of any situation. I also love seeing your sewing and knitting.

Ingrid said...

Please don't stop because of one offended person. Seriously, some people take offence at anything anyone says.

I really enjoy the way you have been able to articulate some partially formed thoughts that I have.

Julie said...

like others who have commented I hope it isn't the end. Though I love looking at all the things you make, I especially enjoy your posts where you analyse things like the current political situation, the role of tourists in third world countries, housework (I shared that post with many friends) and so on. Good luck with whatever you decide, and thanks for a lot of thoughtful enjoyment over the years if this is indeed the end.

Kel said...

I've loved reading your blog posts, especially the ones on sharing the parenting/paid employment, the sewing inspiration and of course that yummy garlic chicken recipe that has been a fave with the kids!

I don't blog but have always thought that the meatiest posts must take a lot of courage and energy. If the blogging doesn't give you back the energy and nurture some part of you then it sounds like its time to step back form the 'obligation' of it for a while and see what happens. (from a selfish perspective I hope you miss it so much you can't help but come back to it!)

MsDriver said...

I will miss your blog... You have have amazing talent for writing AND sewing and knitting.
Please try to come back soon.

Vanessa

Trash said...

I have always found your words and posts to be relevant, interesting, thought-provoking and/or inspirational.

Thanks for sharing and like Tania, I too shall keep stopping by 'just in case'.

michelle said...

I love your blog Suzie! I love how you hop in every so often to inspire with what you have made, what you are thinking, or some mind-blowing food adventure that has me off to the printer in a second.

I love you in person, but this online side is another aspect that is so brave and wonderful. I read your miscarriage post for the first time the other day and wept for you. What you give is extraordinary and you never know who that might touch in the years to come.

I've been blogging for 6 years. It started as a record of paintings, sidestepped into family and sewing, life and rambling and then flailed wildly when things started going wrong. All of a sudden I had BIG things to write about - Life uncertainties, a kid diagnosed with Tourettes, a divorce, a new relationship and a few stalkers along the way. All things that were so raw and that needed to get out so badly but couldn't because of the other people involved and my feelings of being unsafe.

I wonder sometimes if I should have blogged all that crap because it can help a stranger in the deepest way just to know their journey isn't all that unusual. Humans keep going over the same ground every day and feeling alone.

These days I blog once a week and enjoy it for it's own sake - not because I feel I need to, but because it's pleasurable and a nice way to stay in touch with the universe. It feels a bit like a gratitude journal in some ways.

It's your life of course, and you don't need to show your undies in public if you don't feel like it, but I'm hoping this is only a blip for you and in a year or so you'll be back waving amazing things in front of the screen and reminding me that more might be possible. I do find you inspiring. xxx

Kate said...

Suzie your blog was one of the first I found and started reading and I still love reading, I love the way you write and love the way you think and make me think about things. I also love your sewing and knitting, you have been very inspirational. But you have to do what is right for you and there is no fun blogging if you don't enjoy it at the moment.

Anonymous said...

Sooz its an interesting fork in the path of blogging to come to - I applaud you....it took me a few less years for me to come to the same conclusion...and for the same reasons quite oddly (a chance phrase that held no malice taken completely out of context that set off a chain of events that saw me give up blogging, friendships and knitterly pursuits)....

And so when I tried to take it back up, the ooompf had gone out of it. I felt like a fraud if I glossed over what I was really thinking for the sake of a 'nice' blog post.

I think blogging comes to a pause at some time or another - maybe different things take more of your time. Don't feel sad. The Mojo to blog might come back, it might not. But certainly when you have been doing something for so long it can be odd to stop.

I've always enjoyed your blog, haven't commented much, just floated on the periphery, but always here. Will be here if you come back too.

Donni

Regan said...

I am a lurker on blogs and yours, Suzie, has been one I regularly enjoy reading. I like the mix- crafty, parenting, food, life. I like that your writing doesn't skim over things, but delves into issues and projects. I would miss it.
But I do kinda get that you could lose your blogging mojo.

Stacey said...

I'm a subscriber, so I'll still be here when you come back. I found your blog about 18 months ago and you inspired me to make clothes for my kids and myself. I still haven't gotten around to making anything for me yet, so hoping you will come back soon to continue to inspire me :)

neki desu said...

although i don't comment i read your blog and value your insights.you've opened some doors for me via links and your posts will be missed.

some people are very narcissistic and take offence easily because they believe the world revolves around them and owns them a living.there's little to do there except wait until they grow up.
best,

Ali said...

Blogging, like life, has ebb and flow. Reading your words here has always been a pleasure, but if it is not fun for you, then there is no point in flogging yourself to continue. Better to say nothing than subject yourself to censorship or sticking to only the safe and banal.

But you never know, the joy might come back. Or maybe it will take another form. Either way, you're right - change usually ends up being good.

Mouselegs said...

I very much enjoy reading your blog. I'll miss it if you stop.

julie said...

i will miss you. you inspire me to try to sew for my body. MY body. and to try to cook thai food too!!!
and i love how fiercely you love and support your kids by encouraging them to be independent, and that's just dang inspiring. all of it.
i can relate to self doubts and negative thoughts can get in the way of creativity, and sharing myself. i hope that you and your close ones can repair, and still have room for you to share yourself with the world.

nlt said...

I love how articulate and thoughtful your posts are.

Jo said...

I find your blog one of the most thoughtful, considerate and best written blogs around, and I really appreciate that. It stands out for me in terms of authenticity. Your post on miscarriage resonated with me, and I've forwarded the link along to others I know who have been unlucky enough to share that particular experience.

Whatever you choose to do, I am grateful for the words you have shared. Contributing to the healing of others, myself included, is a wonderful gift indeed. Thankyou.

Anonymous said...

I have only just this past month found your blog. I feel sad that I had not found it sooner.

Thankyou for the inspiration. I hope you find an energy to channel into something that makes you feel wonderful.

I will keep an eye out for your name in things crafty.

Michele said...

In the process of running a site like mine, I visit numerous blogs. Through their posts, I get to learn about them, their creative endeavors and often learn a trick or two to add to my own creative bag of tricks.

I have come to almost hate auditing sites listed on mine. I feel like I've lost an old friend when I inevitably discover abandoned blogs, shops and sites that are completely gone from the web.

I can relate to the lack of inspiration for blogging. For me, it's usually the dearth of real comments amid the multitudes of spammers.

It's a shame that your friend didn't come to you sooner. Friends are supposed to talk to each other. Friends are supposed to forgive each other. Friends are supposed to know that some of the things we say are not directed at them, no matter how vitriolicly or loudly we are expressing ourselves. I hope you hear what I'm saying here.

I do hope that you don't walk away from a site that you've loved for so long because one person took offense at something you said or she thought you said.

Hopefully, your friend will see this post and realize what her words meant to you and that whatever slight she thinks you sent her way was quite meaningless in comparison to the hurt she has sent back at you.

Just know that there are folks out here that do appreciate what you are doing and hope you don't stop.

((((((((hugs))))))))

Anonymous said...

I love your blog and you inspire me so often with all that you do. I hope it isn't the end because your blog is beautiful and real

Ren said...

I totally understand but will miss your posts Sooz. Blogging allows you to say so much more and gives us - your readers - a chance to really mull over what you've written. Take care xxx

Amy said...

I hope you find your blogging motivation again sometime, but I appreciate your honest reflections now, and always in the past. Your makings posts have been so inspiring for me, especially when it comes to sewing. And, I've enjoyed reading your opinion/ reflection posts for spools of thought they spark in my mind. Take care & be well. Like so many, I'll be here waiting to read, if you come back.

Anonymous said...

Remember, it's all perception and projection. That person ran your comments through their own filters. People look for places to validate the emotion in which they live. Don't give up on something you love and that has been fulfilling for you.

NessaKnits said...

Sometimes there are issues we just have to work through and then the sun shines again. I hope it shines again for you, as you have much to give!

craftapalooza said...

I hear you sister. My mojo has been gone for over 18 months I think, I've toyed with closing it down. Not sure what to do.

Anonymous said...

nooooooooooo!!