I've been limping along here with intermittent posts but I have to admit I've completely lost my blogging mojo.
It started quite some while ago, when someone close to me let slip that they had stopped reading my blog after feeling I had criticised them on it. At the time I was dumbstruck. The slight had been unintentional and I had remained oblivious to their reaction for months. I felt awful, and upset with myself, and upset with them for simply being offended without checking in with me.
I spent a lot of time thinking about it.
About the rights and wrongs of it, both mine and theirs.
About why I blog and what it means.
About how I use the blog to record events but also process how I feel about things.
About being honest and the consequences of honesty.
About the blogosphere and manners.
About real life and manners.
And while I think I did nothing wrong, that I behaved reasonably, that I use the blog in an entirely defensible way, I just can't muster enthusiasm to share what's in my head in the wake of these revelations.
I can post about the stuff I make because that's safe and inoffensive - except even then a comment can bring to mind the same thoughts. Thoughts about how people feel in relation to what I post. I'm just not comfortable with it. And more reflective posts - like this one here - feel like a high wire act.
I considered shutting the blog completely when it happened, but that felt really wrong too. Like an over reaction or a misplaced and rash response I would later regret. But it now feels a bit like the blog is dying of its own accord. The impulse to blog is mostly gone, and when it comes it is generally accompanied by a string of doubts and negative thoughts.
I'm really sad about that. About losing the joy the blog has always given me.
I've been blogging for seven years now and I just love having the in depth record of the minutiae of everyday life at my disposal. Sometimes when I am searching for something from the past a search string will bring up posts I have entirely forgotten and I can get lost rediscovering the days and months as I captured them.
So I'm not saying it's over. Maybe that desire to speak will return. I hope so. But for now I'm going to stop topping every to do list with write a blog post and face up to the reality of the shift that's taken place for me.
Perhaps it's time too to open other doors and think differently about writing, maybe return to how I felt about writing before the internet or perhaps just have some time to read or think, unencumbered by words.
It all feels very uncertain.
I'm not sure where I am at or where I am going and while that's not a comfortable feeling and there's sadness and fear in there, I am reminding myself that change is, in general, a friend. I have to look past all the bits that feel new and unfamiliar and remind myself that change is a process not a destination and I've been through it many times before.
Whatever comes next by its very definition can't be seen from here, but its bound to be good. Maybe it'll all be so exciting I'll feel the need to blog about it.