Monday, 8 August 2011

think

You could be forgiven for thinking there's been nothing going on up top over here for a while, what with all the pretty pictures and posts about fabric and yarn.

But like all creativity and meditations, there's a whole lot more brewing underneath.

I've been contemplating big things, big messy complicated things. What it's right to expect out of life things. When settling for almost good enough is not OK kind of things.

I am surrounded by the evidence of my great good fortunes and at first I was thinking perhaps I was just having a first world gluttonous indigestion over not being able to cram more in kind of thing.

Poor me.

I kept thinking this because every time I've tried to put into words the thoughts I have found swirling around I feel whiny and disappointed, when I really have so little to be unhappy about.

Suck it up for goodness sake.

But there's also been a run of situations and people bumping into my life recently expressing a kind of sad surprise that I don't do more with what I have. Well, not so much more as something better. I'm no longer young enough to claim to still be an apprentice anything and with Wil looking to start school next year the but I have young kids line is also wearing thin.

Where is my big idea? What's the adventure I seek?

Maybe it's the same old resentments coming around but I'm asking myself all over again why I feel so much like a bit player in the story of some other protagonist? The answer isn't at all obvious - I'm not sure my perception of simply being a passenger is either accurate or lasting. I mean a lot of the time I feel extremely lucky to have so many pies into which I can dig my fingers and just as quickly turn my back on.

But I also know that at times this feeling comes, and when it comes harder and more persistently it's time to think in bigger terms than the week's meals, knitting and bed time stories. It's time to push past all the I can'ts, it's too hards, the but if I don't do it who wills.

I am losing my inclination to simply do the things it's easiest for everyone else that I do. I feel that should I continue to do that, over time I shall wish I hadn't and I won't look too kindly on those who let me.

Which is all well and good of course, an excellent starting point in fact. But what then? What is it that needs changing exactly?

Is it where I work? Or how I parent?

Is it the job I do or the balance I daily make between paid work and creative work?

Do I need more stimulation or relaxation?

Should I take a course that interests me or retrain entirely with a vocation in mind?

Am I supposed to fight harder for what I want or be more patient and trusting that it will come to me?

Not new questions, not even new answers. But for the first time in a while I am beginning to have little daydreamy thoughts of actually acting on some of them. I am seeing myself as a PhD student, as working for something other than the government, as harnessing my experiences as well as getting more.

I'm not right there yet and my ideas do not hold up past the day dream. But they are definitely gathering strength and I'm definitely looking under every rock for The Next Big Thing.

9 comments:

Psylova said...

Thank you for putting so eloquently my thoughts and feeling at the moment!

Ren said...

Good on you Sooz. I have been getting more and more restless too. I think you are ahead of me in the thinking. Good luck xx

travellersyarn said...

I think that the urge to fight complacency is fantastic, and that you will find the right "next big thing". Good luck!

Fioleta said...

Best of luck. I think the hardest part is figuring out what to do - by comparison doing seems to much easier. It will be interesting to read what you'll do as I suspect I'll be in the similar situation in the few years time.

Leonie said...

I hope you are able to find the "thing" that you are looking for.

kim at allconsuming said...

How I feel much of the time, but this: why I feel so much like a bit player in the story of some other protagonist - nails it for me. Go you. And I am BUSTING to see you. Just because.

Anna said...

"But there's also been a run of situations and people bumping into my life recently expressing a kind of sad surprise that I don't do more with what I have." You need to have more people bumping into your life who think you are pretty bloody awe inspiring like I did last year when I met you.

Julie said...

I suspect that you have articulated what many many women feel who have/had careers and also young and not so young children. All the questions you ask are just the exact right questions. I will be ever so interested to hear the answers, when you find them.

nikkishell said...

I think you just described what most women feel. I'm always wondering if i'm doing enough or too much. I've spent this year trying to do less after taking on too much in recent years only to be wanting to do more, something, but i'm not sure what.
Sigh.