In my mind I've declared 2011 the year of finding calm. For a long time I've resisted this search out of fear of losing some essential part of me. The getting stuff done part of me.
I could analyse my drive beyond the bounds of interest, but the point is not so much why I am like that as what am I going to do with it. I think the Graves diagnosis has set me thinking about the pace I live my life. And while Graves is basically characterised by a hyper activity in the thyroid, it can also manifest as it's opposite, a hypo, or under, active thyroid. Or a rollercoaster mix of both. And even if the disease manifests in a particular way for you, the treatment will almost certainly provide at least a taste of the other.
What all this means in essence is that I can't take for granted any kind of reliable metabolic regulation. Unlike most people I have cause to observe and second guess the messages my own body gives me about how fast and slow things are, about how tired I am, about how excited or anxious I am and so on. I have to note changes and question why, I have to be able to describe them to my doctor, I have to separate things I feel as a result the disease from the things the drugs cause, to the things that arise from, you know, life.
I know these things predate Graves for me and many people feel similarly whipped about. I've always had trouble finding a path between too much and not enough. Not enough sleep, too much to eat, not enough exercise, too much activity. There are times I know I need to stop and yet my body compels me on, times when my mind plays tricks to keep me at it long past when I should have moved on.
And let's be honest here, when it comes to getting more stuff done I don't fight against it too hard. Why would I? I absolutely love being able to run through a string of projects in record time, I love packing more into a day, juggling those balls, tetrisising until there is not a slot wasted. it makes me feel good, productive, competent, happy.
But it is exhausting too and I know that exhaustion exacts it's own price over time. Not being able to trust my own instincts and believe what my body tells me is wearing.
So I'm not looking to be excessively chilled, to slow down too much, to experience some kind of personality reformation, but I am looking for a little space between the drive and the action, a moment of calm in which to decide whether to go with the instinct or to strategically pass. That would be good wouldn't it? To make those moves more deliberately and not feel quite so much like flotsam in the wind.
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