I'm having a bit more of an internal dialogue about what to write here than I normally would.
It seems I am offending with things I write, and while I am aware that in theory this is an everyday possibility, it is somewhat more confronting when the evidence is presented to me.
I would like to say that I find it easy to dismiss criticism - after all I fully accept the right of dissent, fully expect differences of opinion, totally understand that writing a blog is inviting in anyone who wishes to have a go. I get it.
But criticism gives me pause for thought even at its wackiest. It does make me question myself and whether it is OK for me to go ahead on my merry way. Often I will decide it is, sometimes I take lessons for the future from my deliberations.
But this week for the first time I removed a post and I feel really sad about that. I feel sad because although I don't wish to offend and thus removed my post, I feel completely misunderstood.
I feel that in the context of my life as it is here, and as I live it in a community, that I haven't been given the benefit of the doubt. That the things I do and the values that I hold haven't been sufficient for my words to be taken in the best light. I feel like my intentions and motives are transparent and good, and I assume that this should provide readers cause to if not overlook my irriatations then at least tolerate them.
I have been thought badly of, and I don't think I am that person.
It is the hardest part of being in a group this behaviour modification stuff, this tolerating the way people can rub and prickle you.
So you know, I feel I am treading carefully. I am writing posts and deleting them. Trying hard not be another whiny blogger all angst ridden about the cruel world and yet not censuring myself either.
But I keep coming back to why I blog and feeling like although the path feels somewhat rocky now, it will get better. The negatives will fall away as they always do and I can get back to the big adventure.