Tuesday, 12 August 2008

now that I'm six, I'm clever as clever

This time six years ago I was contemplating an epidural so my obstetrician could 'relocate' my cervix. I'd been in labour for about 50 hours and I hadn't dilated a single centimetre. In actuality Amy had been pushing forward, not down and so distorted the location of my cervix that it had to be physically moved around her head in order for my waters to be manually broken.

A few hours later both D and I had abandoned our card game (and the score card with the times of my contractions written down one side) and were dozing while we waited in vain for things to right themselves and Amy to get a wriggle on.

A few more hours and we were waiting while the chemically assisted contractions got stronger and stronger. A few more hours and my obstetrician was looking less than relaxed.

Before she headed home for dinner she asked the midwife to sit holding the heart monitor to my belly and call her if Amy's heart rate slowed any further.

The doc didn't even make it home to the next suburb before she had to turn around and come back. The midwife held my hand and said that Amy wasn't doing so well and it was time to get ready for a caesarean. And while she was calm the rest of the room exploded into action and it was obvious that everyone was taking the situation very seriously indeed.

I've posted Amy's birth story before but it's always good to remember it again.

Especially good to recall that shock, that totally overwhelming realisation of what had just happened, of what was coming and of what life was really all about.

Back then it wasn't so much about Amy as it was about 'baby'. Any baby. The new life. The food in food out machine. The welling up of love. The exploding of the world in which she used not to exist.

With the benefit of six years getting to know her, it is now most definitely about her. The incredibly complex little being that she is. Her insight and her observation. Her hopes and fears.

The way she has learned to respond to her dad's tricks and shit stirs, the way she expresses the things that occupy her mind, the way she analyses the things that have happened.

The way she works a problem over, the way she makes up her mind.

The way she sings all the time and with such earnest joy.

It's been a hard year for her this one gone by. There's been a lot of change and some things she's found hard to process. She's aware that she has to share her dad and me with Wil and at times that's felt like a kind of rejection.

The playground at school has demonstrated time and again that people are confusing and not always on your side. The world is less secure and trustworthy.

But through it all she has gotten back on the horse and I so admire that she is out there, even when she feels like that's a really scary place to be. I admire her bottomless energy and desire to be a part of everything that's on offer. Her capacity to articulate what's going on in her head and the way she tries so hard to bring everyone along for the journey. The way she is sweet with her brother and kind to other kids.

And her smarts. Which are considerable.

So today, at home with a baby who is sick and miserable I am walking back through memory lane and reliving a highlights package of the last six years.

And thinking over and over how lucky I feel to have her in my life. How deeply her current runs through me.

Happy birthday my darling girl.

17 comments:

mixtapezine said...

what a divine post x

kirsten said...

i so enjoyed this post - it reminds me of my eldest, too, in many, many ways. thank you.
and how utterly precious and priceless our children are.

Wendy said...

What a lovely tribute to a beautiful daughter. Thanks.

Kirsty said...

Happy birthday to your big six year old & I agree...lovely post.

Stitching At Stone Cottage said...

What a great story..little girls are special friends...P.S. you have been tagged for a bloggers award..x

greatbalancingact said...

Sooz, your beautiful post for your six-year-old Amy made me tear up in the internet cafe. I am sure in the future Amy will cherish your words about her. Make sure you keep a copy of this post for her somewhere. And please wish Amy a very happy birthday from all of us.

EmBelISH said...

Happy birthday to your daughter.
This brough back memories of my son's beginnings. Thanks for sharing your thoughts in such a beautiful post.

Di said...

Happy Birthdy Amy! Wonderful post. Oh so many things to come in our lives ahead... and yours too, as she continues to grow and learn and inspire and surprise you all.

Janet said...

and what a beautiful post and visual journey, Sooz.

Happy Birthday Amy!

sue said...

Happy Birthday Amy! I love watching my children grow up and realising how much they change too. Your daughter will love reading that post one day when she is older, and I am sure you will love looking back too just as you did today.

Turning Japanese said...

Happy Birthday Amy... I hope you enjoyed what Dad served you for breakfast... Hope it was more yummy than his description. I also hope that your audition was successful.

Suse said...

Indeed.

Happy birthday to Amy!

Stomper Girl said...

Happy birthday to Amy.

kt said...

Yay for six!

Yay for your wonderful story!

Well done, Amy, Happy Birthday!

iLa said...

Happy birthday!

I also like this post. It expresses so much love!
Thanks for sharing it with us.

Cheers

Helen said...

This post should come with a warning! Tears at my desk - oh dear. Not that it takes much to make me emotional these days but this was so beautiful. Waiting for our baby to arrive in November I'm not able to think much beyond "birth" at the moment but I do like to imagine what kind of person is growing inside (and kicking away so energetically).

Happy birthday to Amy - she sounds and looks like a beautiful kid.

Julie said...

I have just come by your lovely blog. A beautiful tribute to your daughter. My girl has just turned 9 this week and I have been thinking much about her and us and how every year is a triumph to be celebrated.