Wednesday, 13 February 2008

it's hot in here

One of the few downsides to the public journaling that is my blog is that there are areas of my life I can't talk about here. Not that I can blame the blog, in truth I've worked hard in recent years, and made some progress, towards not saying things in one place that I wouldn't be prepared to say in others.

I said some progress, I'm not a freakin saint.

But those endless bitch sessions involving painting the world in entirely black and white dimensions just aren't fun anymore. Even while I'm doing it I know it solves nothing, and really it doesn't even make me feel better. And it is really ugly to watch someone who thinks they are totally right because no one ever is.

So I try to do it less, to be more considered in my responses. To just, you know, deal with it.

But sometimes I find things stacking up around me, and while I may be able to see clear through each of them individually, to see my own complicity in a problem, to empathise with someone else even if they seem to be coming from an entirely different planet, when they all get together a certain pressure builds.

So in the last few days there have been a couple of situation like that. A couple of things where I feel hurt and like people have been treating me unfairly. Situations I have to deal with in a conciliatory way because I'm stuck with them, and the people in them, for a long time yet. Situations I'd really like to walk away from, or lose my temper over. Situations where I'd feel entirely righteous in riding a high horse.

And because I know it isn't a good idea to do either of those things, I've been thinking about the middle ground, about ways to make my point and be firm about what I see as unreasonable, without inflaming the situation, without making the other people lose face. Ones that don't involve me swearing or ringing up all my friends to complain about what is happening.

But I just can't see that middle path. I'm utterly lost.

Perhaps my frustration about that is compounding the problem, my unresolved hurt and anger from one place is spreading like a virus through other areas of my life. Maybe the pressure comes from that sense that I'm sliding into shitsville big time. Maybe it comes from knowing that one way or another there's some pain coming my way, no matter what path I take.

Because I really believe that moving forward and being conciliatory is more important than either being right or holding sway. I believe it, but sometimes I'm stuck like the proverbial deer in the headlights trying to work out how to get from here to there.


AnnieB said...

crikey! I read you blog a lot but rarely comment but just wanted to say good luck with getting out of those headlights and preserving your sanity in the process. Hope the next few days aren't TOO trying

sueeeus said...

Beautiful yarn.

I quoted some of your last post in my blog, so I hope you don't mind.

I hope you work through whatever it is. You might open a new blog with a new pseudonym just for cranking through the ire. I find it helpful. Even if tedious, it gets it off my chest, and nobody that I know of ever reads it, so it's fairly private.

I think you show so much grace and restraint in the way you worded your post. You are a woman of fine character. I'm now inspired to cease whinging with reckless abandon on mine.

Jodie said...

oh poop ! Its hard to suck it up all the time isn't it- Hope it gets better

Anonymous said...

Try to remember 'this too shall pass' - oh and make sure you have wine on hand!
Take care of yourself.

Kate said...

Good luck! I hate those 'there is nothing right to do' situations. So tricky and confusing.

Janet said...

Yess, I know that feeling of having certain areas one can't blog about... It's a fine line and you seem to tread it so well.

Hope things don't get too shitty.

Ren said...

Hey Sooz

Please don't beat yourself up too much. You're such a bundle of positive energy, and your blog is a source of joy for a lot of people. Take care and be gentle on yourself!


Suse said...

I hope that whatever it is, is worked out with minimum pain.

Now. Do you know of a good cafe at Fed Square?

moonshae said...

I hope things are working out okay since your post! Sounds all very stressful and many lurkers in interland (such as me) are thinking about you I am certain.

Yarn question: I am about to start PTing to work. Which is easier on a tram, knitting or crochet?

sooz said...

Moonshae, on the PT question, it depends a lot on what you are knitting or crocheting. You've got to think about the bulk factor - knitting a trenchcoat really adds to the handbag for example but a few granny squares or a hat are no problem.

Then there's the stitch count factor, a few rows of mindless stocking stitch or another granny square are no problem, but I find complicated crochet in particular a total nightmare to keep track of. I'm always losing track and ripping back.

There's also the curiosity factor. People always stop me when I crochet to ask what I'm doing, with knitting not so much.

belinda said...

Very sorry you are feeling so frustrated and hurt; hope you get whatever it is worked out soon.
I would venture a guess at extended family members- often a source of angst and serious frustration in my experience- but that's just my two bobs worth and I could be well off the mark.
Some situations require us to stand our ground, but it's never easy.
Take care.

Stomper Girl said...

I know what you are saying and sometimes I would loooove to have an anonymous blog where I could vent. Because I spend my life trying to see it from all perspectives and empathising with other people but sometimes you just need a space where you can go it's not fair!! or she's being mean to me.

But then I'd want supportive comments on my anonymous blog telling me that it's okay. So I just never do it.

kwoozy said...

first time here : nicely said! that's exactly how i have been feeling lately about certain stuff and certain people.

sexy said...