One of the few downsides to the public journaling that is my blog is that there are areas of my life I can't talk about here. Not that I can blame the blog, in truth I've worked hard in recent years, and made some progress, towards not saying things in one place that I wouldn't be prepared to say in others.
I said some progress, I'm not a freakin saint.
But those endless bitch sessions involving painting the world in entirely black and white dimensions just aren't fun anymore. Even while I'm doing it I know it solves nothing, and really it doesn't even make me feel better. And it is really ugly to watch someone who thinks they are totally right because no one ever is.
So I try to do it less, to be more considered in my responses. To just, you know, deal with it.
But sometimes I find things stacking up around me, and while I may be able to see clear through each of them individually, to see my own complicity in a problem, to empathise with someone else even if they seem to be coming from an entirely different planet, when they all get together a certain pressure builds.
So in the last few days there have been a couple of situation like that. A couple of things where I feel hurt and like people have been treating me unfairly. Situations I have to deal with in a conciliatory way because I'm stuck with them, and the people in them, for a long time yet. Situations I'd really like to walk away from, or lose my temper over. Situations where I'd feel entirely righteous in riding a high horse.
And because I know it isn't a good idea to do either of those things, I've been thinking about the middle ground, about ways to make my point and be firm about what I see as unreasonable, without inflaming the situation, without making the other people lose face. Ones that don't involve me swearing or ringing up all my friends to complain about what is happening.
But I just can't see that middle path. I'm utterly lost.
Perhaps my frustration about that is compounding the problem, my unresolved hurt and anger from one place is spreading like a virus through other areas of my life. Maybe the pressure comes from that sense that I'm sliding into shitsville big time. Maybe it comes from knowing that one way or another there's some pain coming my way, no matter what path I take.
Because I really believe that moving forward and being conciliatory is more important than either being right or holding sway. I believe it, but sometimes I'm stuck like the proverbial deer in the headlights trying to work out how to get from here to there.