Monday, 14 August 2006

things I had forgotten about making babies

The total separation between body and mind. You can't push through tiredness, you can't ignore hunger (even if you similtaneously want to throw up), you can't find that extra bit of strength for something you really want to do. Body wins everytime.

How everyone likes to be a part of it - from the gushing well wishers to the doom sayers who'll jump to tell you a horror story. Pregnancy makes you public property. I am constantly surprised by people's kindness, generosity and complete lack of insight into other people and their needs.

How annoying it is to spend a lot of time sitting in waiting rooms and reading the same junk magazines. I remember when I was in the last stretch with Amy I actually dreamed my obstetrician had new magazines and I was actually really excited about it.

How food becomes a whole new beast, and it refuses to be tamed. I am hungry all the time, but I find it really hard to work out what I want to eat. Neither my eyes nor my brain help - it's not till it gets into my mouth that I know whether I want it or not. Makes dinner time a whole lot of fun. Not.

How nine months seems like forever and yet the end always takes you by surprise.

What it feels like to have a baby move inside you. Indescribable.

How pregnancy prepares you for parenthood by letting you know at every turn that you have no power. Time goes at its own pace, sickness comes and goes, joy is always found in the most unexpected places, and you are always at the mercy of your body, luck, fate and other forces both beyond your control and outside your perception.

What hormones do to your emotions. Let's just say I get teary and sentimental in ways I know are ridiculous and not typical of me, but rationality doesn't help. I am especially affected by cruelty and the misfortunes that fall on some children.

How opinionated everyone is about pregnancy and child raising, and how easy it is to let other people's attitudes mess with you. I know it's about them, not me, I know I'll never get approval from everyone, I know parenting is mostly about what's possible rather than what's ideal and I know most people have good intentions and think they are being helpful. But still. On a bad day it can shit you to tears.

How many things can and do go wrong.

How deep and profound and totally word defying the enterprise is, even if its accompanied by a alot of really mundane and uncomfortable bits.

8 comments:

nichola said...

Did i miss something? Are you expecting?

Alison said...

Beautifully said.

nichola said...

Duh! That's what happens when you read through Bloglines. I'm not usually this dim, i don't think.....
Anyway, Congratulations!

Suse said...

I haven't been able to pop in for a few days, but better late than never! CONGRATULATIONS!!! As someone who also had a miscarriage, I know this pregnancy must also be bittersweet, so yu are in my thoughts.

I've just read Amy's birth story too, and it brought tears to my eyes. Also, thank you for your mention of me in your post. I do find birth stories so very special, both to tell and read.

I am looking forward to reading another one from you in a few months time.

Once again, all the best!

Suse said...

Oh, I forgot to say I love how you said they shaved your pubLic hair.

Jess said...

your words are perfect.

African Kelli said...

Ay! My many heartfelt congratulations. I hope this pregancy is all things good.

bugheart said...

you always
have such
a perfect
way of
saying things.
you really
are
an amazing
woman!