Sunday, 13 August 2006

hey, let's do it again...

I've been debating this post for a while - short and punchy, long and rambling? But as usual there's just too much to say for the brief one liner. Dramatic maybe, but hardly a reflection of my life.

So here goes, we're having another baby.

Following our miscarriage earlier this year, the last 13 weeks have been hard. Hard to tell people, hard to be excited or confident, hard to conceal terrible morning sickness, hard to pretend like nothing is happening. Hard to have your hopes and fears on the line every moment of every day. Once you have lost a baby it is difficult to stop being ever vigilant for the signs of doom.

And more than that there has been many a dark day in the last four years where I felt I might never be able to do this again. The unfathomable love I feel for Amy and the bottomless joy she gives to me are counterbalanced by a still lingering sense of loss about my pre-child life, and the memory of 2 years of chronic sleep deprivation fills me with dread.

But life is funny the way it can let you choose to do something which, on the face of it, just isn't in your best interests. It takes a tremendous amount out of you to have a child and I really so clearly remember being so unhappy and so tired for so long and yet here I am going back for more. And not in some willy nilly throw caution to the wind kind of way. I have made my cold clinical examination of the facts, I have analysed the data and theorised. I've had a good long while to think it through and still, I've chosen this.

I have been greatly comforted by the posts of other bloggers who like me didn't experience motherhood the first time round as all beer and skittles, but have still decided to go back for more. In particular Claire's first post after the birth of her second daughter Lily, was really lovely.

When she wrote:
"There are absolutely no regrets! I haven't once contemplated spontaneously running away down the street and jumping on a bus to Chadstone (and beyond, the world) when I go out to put nappies in the trash. I remember feeling that way many, many times in 2002 and I was expecting to again. But no! Such a relief!"
I felt her relief as mine. I so remember that feeling of wanting to run, of wanting so much for things to be different than they were, of wanting to go and find me again. And because Claire has always been brave and honest enough to talk clearly about the struggles of parenthood alongside it's gifts, her promise that things might be different this time has been hugely valuable.

And Alison whose blog has similarly dared to tell it like it is when it comes to being pregnant and a parent has gone back for more too, so it can't be all bad. There's hope that the wonder, the joy, the miracle of new life might be experienced without the crushing weight of fear, of sadness, of exhaustion so overwhelming it obliterates all life.

So really I am very happy, I am full of hope, I am excited. I'm also terrified, anxious and full of doubt. Life continues on.

24 comments:

Rachael said...

Congrats, Sooz! Wishing you all the best for the rest of the journey to meet babe#2!

krista said...

let me be the first of your online buddies to say CONGRATS! And we're tootin' and rootin' for you!
All the best, and a beautifully written post Sooz.
She'll be right :)

krista said...

doh, simultaneous firsts up there, but that's great... firsts of many I'm sure!

Kate said...

Congratulations! Great post and so was your last one.

stephanie s said...

wonderful wonderful news.... congratultions!

Linda said...

Congrats.. that's great news, it is still hard work the second time around, but somehow we are much more relaxed than with our first child as that just turns your life upside down! we don't know what's hit us do we!!! hope the morning sickness is over for you, all the best

Ash said...

Congratulations! I can honestly say it's easier the second time. Why, I'm not sure.

Now that our family is decided at 2, I feel regretful and I would probably jump in feet first to have a third.

So, you'll be fine.

Lovely post too :)

Ali said...

Congratulations! When I was pregnant with number 2 I kind of envied the blind optimism of first time mothers. I KNEW what the sleep deprivation etc was going to be like. But d'you know, it wasn't nearly as bad second time round.

Enjoyed sharing your wonderful news.

Alison said...

I've read this with tears in my eyes:: Firstly because I am so happy for you to have go to this point that you can tell people, and start to be excited about it, secondly for singeling me out in your post, thirdly because I'm a hormonal wreck this weekend, and fourthly because you've been a great comfort to me in talking things through, and without the support of like minded peole, I know all this would be much harder for me, and I hope I can give you some supoprt and comfort back.

A huge congratulations :))

Kristy said...

Congratulations!I have been blessed with 4 very happy pregnancies and births.I really hope that you get to experience all the joy that a new baby can bring.

helen said...

I'm just de-lurking to say congratulations! I was so moved by your beautifully honest post about your experience earlier in the year and am really happy to hear your good news.

leslie said...

yay!!!!! i'm soooooo happy for you guys!

Fiona said...

Ah, that is truly wonderful news. A very big congratulations from me, too. xo

Funky Finds said...

I wish you much luck & happiness! Congrats to your family.

Di said...

Congratulations- it must be something in the air- another friend of mine told me she's thirteen weeks pregnant this week too...

Tania Ho said...

Many congratulations, what wonderful news :)

Sarah said...

Sooz, I've just recently subscribed to your blog so I don't know the back story about your miscarriage, and let me say thank you for your honest post, and my regrets for your loss. Eight months ago my husband and I lost our son 35 weeks into a perfect pregnancy. It was and remains the nightmare of my life. I'm so torn between having all of these "mommy" feelings and knowing that trying again would be too soon and too emotionally trying. Reading your post made me feel really good - like there is light at the end of the tunnel! I hope I haven't scared you, or made you sad by this comment, and I wish you so much luck and good health going into this new endeavor! Cheers, Sarah

June said...

This is wonderful news. You are bringing a precious new bit of you and your husband into the world and the blessings of this outweigh the challenges--and there will alsways be challenges. I am so excited for you!

bugheart said...

oh that's wonderful!
congratulations...
we will be
with you
through
ups and
any downs...
it will be better!
xoxox

Dawn said...

rgqagI am so very happy for you!
xo

Janet said...

Oh how exciting! It's so great to get past that first trimester with all the doubts etc.. And a summer pregnancy too, lovely.. Congratulations!! :)

suzy said...

That is great news! Wishing you the very best for the rest of the pregnancy too.

Turning Japanese said...

Oh... so now I know who the baby jacket will be for. I hope the cotton knits up beautifully!!

A huge CONGRATULATIONS to you and your family! Wondeful news. Oh the high note, I will now turn off my computer.

li li said...

Big big congrats!!!!